SMILE

My sister sent me this email and it was the first time I really laughed in a while.... he he he... so I thought I would share it with all of you!

• 29 Lines to make you smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was NOT One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

And a few bonus laughs

• Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old as long as she buys him a few drinks first!
• Getting older is like visiting an all you can eat buffet. What should be hot is cold. What should be firm is limp, and the buns are the bigger than anything else on the menu
• Its scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
• I keep hitting escape but I'm still here!!!!! (AMEN)
• Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you??? (YES)
• Ever notice how the people telling you to calm down are the ones who made you mad in the first place???? (Possibly the truest and my favorite)